Saucy Portion
Dismal Jesters episode 1
Dismaljesters episode header 001
Release date 6 November 2013
Running time 89 minutes
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The Dismal Jesters 001: Saucy Portion is the very first episode of The Dismal Jesters, the continuation of Podtoid Era 8. The episode was released on 2013-11-06 and was hosted by Jim Sterling, Jonathan Holmes and Conrad Zimmerman.

Official DescriptionEdit

The Dismal Jesters await your pleasure in the court of drippiness. Jonathan Holmes will spurt sauce into your eyes, there's plotting afoot on Spilligan's island, and U2's very own Bono Vox drops his 3DS stylus on the floor. Let the Jesters claim you, my sugary friend.


The episode starts off with Jonathan trying to get the crew to introduce themselves to a potential new audience. Accidentally he presents himself as Bruce Wayne (who is also Batman), possibly hinting at one of his past part-time jobs during the era of New Podtoid.

Jonathan forces in some talk about videogames. This causes Bono (out of the U2) to appear to talk about playing on the Nintendo 3DS . Jonathan and Bono end up in a big argument and The Edge has to step in to back up Bono. Jim eventually put Bono back into his pokéball and the talk about Nintendo continued. Jonathan explains that Swap Note was shut down because of paedophilia, explaining his fascination with the topic given his past expertise.

Jim explains that one of the earlier names for The Dismal Jesters was going to be Saucy Portions. Jim came up with the name when his wife Alex read a menu saying "Limited Sauce Portions" which she accidentally read as "Lieutenant Sauce Portions". This caused Jim to come up with the mascot Lt. Saucy Portions , that was originally meant to be the mascot of what would become The Dismal Jesters.

Jim offeres Jonathan a new part-time job. To be Lt. Saucy Portions and go to different schools to teach the youth of Boston about properly season food. Jim goes into great detail how the event will go down and why it's very important that Jonathan does this for the children, but in the end Jonathan declined the job. He did not specify why.

The trio starts talking about 90s female vocalist RnB music where Jonathan displays confusion and lack of knowledge regarding the artists and the meaning behind certain lyrics. Jim comes up with the idea where Jonathan becomes the "How Hard Do You Want It?-Guy" where he will ask every female RnB artist from the 90s on Twitter how hard they want it. Jim eventually takes back that idea, because it's misogynistic and Jim believes in respect towards women. Unlike Jonathan who is, ahem, "progressive". The podcast cherishes the memories of the dead Bob Hoskins before they realize he's not dead. Jonathan explains that Bob Hoskins can't die until Phil Collins dies, as they are basically connected as one entity called Phil-Bob Collins-Hoskins. Jim acidentally calls the podcast The Dead Jesters for a bit as they proclaim that they've resurrected Bob Hoskins.

Jonathan tosses out the very first Questions? tweet to the masses, this officially announcing The Dismal Jesters as a thing. He speaks a bit about Fjords, a videogame he and Conrad have played. Jim explains that he doesn't get videogames. The crew then goes into the Questions Segment. Jonathan suggests that the trio should start a videogame blog where they let 12 year old kids write articles just so their own articles can appear above and beyond the average.

Jim sings the lead song "Who will cut my hair?" from Haircut: The Musical , Jonathan helps out a little bit as well after Jim has described how he's mutilating a Pac-Man toy to Jonathan's amusal. Then the trio closes out the very first episode of The Dismal Jesters.

Questions SegmentEdit

  • "how much money would you pay for a woody Alan game?" -@MrDrPringles
  • "where do I upload fan art for this one?" -JF_OV
  • "On a scale of 1 to 10, how is Jim?" -Jed05
  • "Who cuts your hair man?" -Mr_Manager0803
  • "Will there be more guests on the new podcast?" -NoHeteroBro

New ThingsEdit


  • Both Jim and Conrad's wives didn't express much positive word regarding the name "The Dismal Jesters".
  • Jim doesn't think that anyone should be put in a box untill you've heard both sides of the argument.
  • Every videogame is about killing prostitute for points.
  • Jim's average metacritic score is 93/100.