Every once in a while the gang writes a letter to a company to get sponsorship from them. The podcast costs Jim about 30 bucks a month, for God's sake, so he seeks a positive feedback from a company to get free stuff from them in exchange for little plugs on the show, so he doesn't have to pay for it.
This was the first appeal, probably because Monster Energy is Jim's favourite drink. To the hosts' surprise, instead of Monster Energy they got a feedback from Jones Soda Co., which has provided Jim with drinks with Edward James Olmos' face printed on the bottles.
Dear Monster Energy Men and Women because We're Not Sexist (Ecclesiastical).
Let's cut to the damn chase. I am Jim Sterling and i also know Conrad Zimmerman and we BOTH know Jonathan Holmes PHD. Our podcast is the best, I think about the man, I think about him pulling the poo out. With chopstick. I get angry at my friend because he likes Dustin Hoffman's nose and sometimes made a bad sentence very angry uuuuuhhhh send me thirty Monster Energy drinks a day and we will say that you are responsible for the podcast and all of its contents. The podcast gets at least an hundred listeners (don't worry it's well more than that but you can't be sure in these economic times).
We would like to help promote the healing qualities of Monster Energy drink (I like tha low carb one wink wink you know who your daddy is). We will talk about it lots on the podcast and Jonathan Holmes will like it. By the way, Jonathan Holmes is willing to do butt stuff in order to promote the crisp effervescent life fluid of Monster Energy taste sensations. We could use a pipet to dispense Monster Energy flavored drink powered by ginseng up his arse, or try (TRY) to put an entire canister of drink inside of his negative space. Regular type can or those big ones that you get at gas stations - your call.
We know that our listeners are the kind of people you want you want telling the world how great your product is, which they will do because sometimes the can be mindless slaves. We all know this, you are in the marketing business as are we nudge nudge. So give us sponsor and we give you great success.
Jim Sterling esq.
P.S. We could have gone the route of pretending we had a complaint to get the free stuff but we are trying to paly ball. Come on. We just did you a solid. You look after your old friend Jim.
Mantic Games (Episode 13)Edit
The Jesters write a letter to Mantic Games in order for Jim to get from them figurines to paint and probably some paint as well.
Dear Mantic Games Man or Woman Email Reader.
My name is Jim Sterling and I do a podcast onthe Internet which you can download from computers (brackets the podcast I mean not the Internet which you don't download you SURF) (New Brackets I put SURF in capital (big) letters do that you know I know my stuff when it comes to the information superhighway (another word for Internet)). I do a podcast called The Dismal Jesters with my lovers Conrad Zimmerman and Jonathan Holmes. Lovers of fun podcasts I mean, not that we do kissing, but we might if we all three of us wanted to (I'm not making suggestions).
We have kids mostly listening to the show. Kids with their credit cards of their parents, who are more than happy to drive their families into ruin for the opportunity to have figurines to paint. We would tell them the place for their credit card numbers to go is Mantic Games for reasons. Reasons being that they are good and have goblins and skeletons and they look good when they paint them all up. I like the way your dark elves look, they have pointy helmets and that one sorceress looks like she could be a good girlfriend for me or Jonathan Holmes.
I'll be frank. I'm feeling very critical of this letter. I'm in full editing mode right now. The creative gush is over, and now I just wanna change everything I wrote. But I won't. I don't want to lie to you EVER. Your product is okay. WE need to base this relationship on intense honesty. Ball ram dus weepy ouggh. Ooh ooh.
I'm really sorry. I've gotta go. I'll write you again tomorrow.
Let's cut to the fingering chase here son. Our podcast is almost popular and therefore we want stuff we like in exchange for saing things about the stuff we like, which to be honest, we'd have done anyway, but we might as well score some swad out of the bargain, 'cos lord knows this podcast costs me thirty bucks a month and I'm never gonna fucking see that again. So can I have some goblins and maybe some undead from your Kings of War game, and I tell you what, some stuff from them other games that you make wouldn't bloody go amiss either. And some paint. And whatever else is good.
Jonathan Holmes has heard me and is helping me write the letter (he did the swears which I'd edit out but it's funnier to me that I any potential chance of you taking us seriously even though I really do want your stuff) and he thinks I should apologize fot what Ive put down and for some reason will send to you just because I want to show off to my friends and and the people who listen to my podcast and somehow I think doing this makes me look like a big man.
So sorry. But also send free stuff please and I'll talk about it on the podcast which has more than thousands listeners and check out my YouTube channel /jimsterling On YouTube.
Jim Sterling of the Dismal Jesters.
Pipedream Products (Episode 15)Edit
Jim wants some free sex toys of this manufacturer which has also replied him positively.
Dear Pipedream Products (the sex people).
Hello dear friend, and maybe a little more, my name is Jim Sterling and let's get into the BED together. I run the podcast online called The Dismal Jesters (or to steal a sense of humor from your wrtiters, more like The JIZZMAL FUCKFUCKS). Uuuhh, oh god, this was my idea and I regret it already. We believe in your fine sexual enhancement products and would like to share them with our listeners, as we have for the last several years, and that's not depressing at all. We have found that the product descriptions and products you create are only of the highest qualities. From your tassels to your gags, nothing fills us with more excitement and latex. Also, our three realistic podcast holes. Can we throw quivering in there also? Yes we can!
Hopefully everything's okay. My dog. Home alone, and also snow day. Yeah. I hope everything's gonna be alright. She might start barking but I just gave her an almond. That usually keeps her quiet I hope. I think. Oof, it's scary. What would I say to these people? Uuuuuhhhh ... We hate sex, and everyone who has it. So how about it? Give us a job, we're not like the other losers you've hired who are spending all day touching their genitals and doing whatever. We're so sexually repressed that the intensity of our barack obama anus puns will literally BLOW your ASS TO BLOODY PIECES.
Right, let's cut to the blowjobbing chase. We have an audience and want your products as we can say you have sponsored us and also because it's embarassing buying your own dildos. We are listened to by literally more than a thousand people who love to talk about products we have told them to talk about and also it'll just make you look good. Sometimes.
So maybe send us some dildos and other things to put right up us, Jonathan would look great in a Fetish Fantasy Gold Vibrating Cockring and Fetish Fantasy Extreme Cum Bucket. I also quite like the look of your jelly gems. And jelly gems sounds like it could be a good Saturday morning cartoon like Care Bears or stuff. And you bloody know what, whack a few sex dolls in there as well. You can never have enough of them fuckers. I hope you don't mind me swearing, but come on. Look at what you do.
Take a chance. Be one of us. Life's too short. No pain no gain. Just do it, I'm lovin' it. You got the right one baby. Happy Valentine's Day. I'm a pepper. Come on Barbie let's go party. Aw aw aw yeah. Come on Barbie let's go party. Awoowo, awoowo. We're deadly serious.